The Second Coming of Jesus Christ Just Gave Everyone an Orgasm

Fiction, humor

The day the Second Coming of Jesus Christ revealed himself, I’d stubbed my toe really bad. I limped into the kitchen. My girlfriend, Y, had CNBC pulled up on her iPhone 8+ and they were talking about Him. He was wearing jeans, a HARVARD sweatshirt, and His name was Abu. He was floating twenty feet above the Chrysler building.

“Do you want me to get you some ice sweetie?” Y asked.

“Nuh-uh.” My toe was throbbing. I just needed a minute.

Then Abu, the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, cried out:

“I am here to bring the world JOY!”

And as He said JOY, I felt it. I could see that Y felt it too, the most exquisite and intense orgasm rang through my body. I seized and all thoughts, all pain, all feeling but overwhelming ecstasy left me.

It stopped when they blew Him out of the sky with a surface-to-air missile, shot from 3rd and 42nd. It took the top of the Chrysler building with it. I checked my pants to be sure they were dry. Y looked at me like she’d just finished a sub-portioned appetizer and raised an eyebrow. My toe began to hurt again.

“Actually, could you get me some ice?”

She sighed and got up. She took a Ziplock bag and filled it with ice. She wrapped a dish rag around it to protect from the cold. We turned back to her phone and, as the debris cleared, we saw Abu rise again, His clothes gone; He had no belly-button or penis and His hair was all burned off. He looked wild.

He wiped the dirt from His face and said,

“I’ll be back. Motherfuckers.”

Y turned the phone over. I placed the make-shift ice pack on my toe, and it began feeling better. Y ran her fingers through my hair and asked if maybe I’d feel like having sex in an hour.

“I don’t know,” I told her. “It’s up to my toe, really.”

*

Featured art by Nikita Klimov. Originally published in The Moss.

Catalog of My Humor Writing

humor

Relationship Humor:

The Truth about Farting in Front of Loved Ones
A Cautionary Tale

Amazon Alexa, My Girlfriend and I are in a Love Triangle
We stood over the metal salad-mixer-bowl as my girlfriend, Y, dropped a match and set my gasoline-soaked Amazon Echo

3 Times I Tried to Find my Girlfriend’s G-Spot
(and failed)

No Eulogy for the Backpacker
Laughable Love

Failing to Fulfill my Girlfriend’s Sex Fantasy
You’ve been a bad girl…right?psiloveyou.xyz

Contemplating Gender Roles while Following my Wife around Marshalls
There is a man standing at the door, I don’t know whether he is lost or left,

Humor-Humor:

30 Job Interview Questions for the Indie Writer
Can you tell me a little about yourself?

Are Cats the Dominant Life form on Earth?
I often imagine aliens hovering over my house, looking down, using my life as a metric for humanity’s right to exist

Freelance Writing is Turning Me into a Potato
Questions you need to ask yourself before working remotely


Sex Humor:

How to Know If You Are Bad at Sex
For all genders and sexual orientations

7 Important Lessons in My Son’s Most Viewed Porn Videos
Take those parenting moments where you can find them