Readers’ Favorite Press Release: The King of FU Receives the Silver Medal in International Book Awards

Fiction, Uncategorized

For immediate release:

Readers’ Favorite recognizes “The King of FU” by Benjamin Davis in its annual international book award contest, currently available at: 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07D2YYL6S.

The Readers’ Favorite International Book Award Contest featured thousands of contestants from over a dozen countries, ranging from new independent authors to NYT best-sellers and celebrities.

Readers’ Favorite is one of the largest book review and award contest sites on the Internet. They have earned the respect of renowned publishers like Random House, Simon & Schuster, and Harper Collins, and have received the “Best Websites for Authors” and “Honoring Excellence” awards from the Association of Independent Authors. They are also fully accredited by the BBB (A+ rating), which is a rarity among Book Review and Book Award Contest companies.

We receive thousands of entries from all over the world. Because of these large submission numbers, we are able to break down our contest into 140+ genres, and each genre is judged separately, ensuring that books only compete against books of their same genre for a fairer and more accurate competition. We receive submissions from independent authors, small publishers, and publishing giants such as Random House, HarperCollins and Simon & Schuster, with contestants that range from the first-time, self-published author to New York Times bestsellers like J.A. Jance, James Rollins, and #1 best-selling author Daniel Silva, as well as celebrity authors like Jim Carrey (Bruce Almighty), Henry Winkler (Happy Days), and Eriq La Salle (E.R., Coming to America).

“When the right books are picked as winners we pay attention. We will be spreading the word about Readers’ Favorite.” –Karen A., Editor for Penguin Random House

Readers’ Favorite is proud to announce that “The King of FU” by Benjamin Davis won the Silver Medal in the Young Adult – Coming of Age category.

You can learn more about Benjamin Davis and “The King of FU” at https://readersfavorite.com/book-review/the-king-of-fu where you can read reviews and the author’s biography, as well as connect with the author directly or through their website and social media pages.

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What the Doctor Put up My Butt Without Asking Permission

Fiction

It was a squirrel.

And, to his credit, the doctor did say it was a trained squirrel before he let it loose. I was on the table as he said it and I thought back to my early twenties.

“I’ve got a stomach of steel!”

I’d told my friend who’d just poured me a shot of hot sauce. Then, I downed it in one. I was twenty-two.

I’m thirty now. It turned out my stomach was steel, but my colon was made up of those little flecks of dust you find floating in the air of old attics.

The doctor spoke to Y who sat beside us and took notes:

NO SPICY, NO SALTY, NO SWEET, NO DAIRY

“…and make sure you don’t love him too much. This boy has had too much love already.”

I would have been glad at least to have been called “boy” at that moment if the doctor hadn’t tapped my ass as he said it and I could feel the squirrel hide and the doctor cried,

“DON’T CLENCH!”

I forced myself to relax.

“Are you okay?” the doctor said.

“I’m okay–yeah, I think so,” I told him.

“Not you!”

I heard a squeak, a pinch, then another squeak.

“Good,” the doctor said. “Good, good.”

NO RED MEAT, NO SODA, NO ALCOHOL, NO JUICES, NO YEAST, NO EGGS, NO SUGAR, NO PICKLES

The doctor made some kissy sounds and finally, thankfully, the squirrel emerged. I took myself out of downward-facing-dog and sat there. I looked at Y and I thought, “you still want to have sex with me, right?” But she seemed to be hard at work making sure to write down everything the doctor said in feverish detail.

NO CORN, NO TOMATOES, NO PASTA, NO BREAD, NO LOVE!

I thought about when I used to go to the doctor with my mother and they’d tap my knee and it would tickle a bit when they put the stethoscope to my chest. The doctor would say things like:

“there you go,”

“just a little cough now,”

“that’s it,”

“good”

“brave boy.”

And then when they’d all finished up, they’d turn to my mother and say, “looks like the little guy has a cold. It’s a couple of days of ginger ale and ice cream shakes for you, young man!”

I’d take my mother’s hand and she’d lead me back to the car and say, “now let’s swing through McDonald’s, what-a-ya-say?”

And I’d say,

“YEAH!”

I pulled up my pants as the doctor sat and calmed the squirrel. “There you go, good, brave boy,” he told it before tucking it in a drawer and turning back to me, Y was busy rolling up her notes.

“You will come back in one month,” he told me.

I nodded.

Y took my hand and led me to the car.

“When do you have to be back at work?” she asked.

I checked my phone and adjusted myself in the seat.

“Ten minutes ago.”

*

This story was originally published on Medium in The Moss. The fantastic illustration seen above is by Nikita Klimov.

Catalog of My Humor Writing

humor

Relationship Humor:

The Truth about Farting in Front of Loved Ones
A Cautionary Tale

Amazon Alexa, My Girlfriend and I are in a Love Triangle
We stood over the metal salad-mixer-bowl as my girlfriend, Y, dropped a match and set my gasoline-soaked Amazon Echo

3 Times I Tried to Find my Girlfriend’s G-Spot
(and failed)

No Eulogy for the Backpacker
Laughable Love

Failing to Fulfill my Girlfriend’s Sex Fantasy
You’ve been a bad girl…right?psiloveyou.xyz

Contemplating Gender Roles while Following my Wife around Marshalls
There is a man standing at the door, I don’t know whether he is lost or left,

Humor-Humor:

30 Job Interview Questions for the Indie Writer
Can you tell me a little about yourself?

Are Cats the Dominant Life form on Earth?
I often imagine aliens hovering over my house, looking down, using my life as a metric for humanity’s right to exist

Freelance Writing is Turning Me into a Potato
Questions you need to ask yourself before working remotely


Sex Humor:

How to Know If You Are Bad at Sex
For all genders and sexual orientations

7 Important Lessons in My Son’s Most Viewed Porn Videos
Take those parenting moments where you can find them


Invasion of the Fundiks

Uncategorized

A small man stood in my driveway. He was waiting for me. He pointed. He had eyes like flying saucers and no nose.

He said,

“I AM KLUBBIT!”

He had a French accent. I walked outside. The sun pounded on the poor little man.

“What do you want?” I asked. “I have to get to work.”

He spoke:

“I am Klubbit! I am an emissary from Fundiks. We have come to destroy planet earth! You have become a bad society, destroying your resources and warring. YOU! You are chosen to speak for your planet. Tell us! Why should we spare you?”

He had odd-looking knees. I think they might’ve bent outward.

I said, “yeah — alright.”

He stared at me a moment and then said, “What?”

“I said, yeah — alright. Now can I get to work?”

He looked lost for a moment, then said, “You must speak on behalf of your people.”

“Yeah…yeah — your name is what?”

“Klubbit.”

“And your people are fun dicks?”

Fundiks

“Brilliant — yeah, no I think that is a pretty decent end to us, you guys go ahead.”

“But — ”

“Can I go now? I really will be late to work, you know.”

I turned to get in my car.

“Wait!”

“What?”

Klubbit crouched down. His knees did bend outward. He struggled to find words.

“You — I can’t — I can’t go back. This has never happened before, you can say anything, we only need a single reason, any reason.”

He looked up.

I shrugged. “Yeah. oh. well.”

“Are all of your race so empty?”

“If they’re full, they’re full of shit.”

I winked at him in the hopes it might make him feel better but he began to leak something gross out of the skin where his nose should have been and so I got in my car. As I backed slowly out, he placed a hand on the hood and gave me a lost look. I waved.

I got Dunkin’s on the way to work.


I was only five minutes late. Inside the office, I noticed that no one was in their cubicles. There was a noise of bodies coming from the breakroom. I looked and found all of my co-workers crammed in around the small corner television where a bald man stood on a stage in his underwear and a white tank-top surrounded by Fundiks. The President was placing a medal around his neck.

One of my co-workers, Hal — the kind of guy who wears an Irish Yoga T-Shirt on weekends and still says, “well aren’t you cool,” when you tell him about your day — nudged me.

“This dude just saved the human race. I guess these little alien fuckers were gonna blow us up, but this guy talked ’em out of it.”

“Oh, gre — ”

“Shut up,” Hal cut me off.

Everyone leaned in as the man in his underwear took the microphone and began to speak,

“These aliens here have agreed to spare America!”

The crowd went wild. People in the breakroom gasped and clapped. I noticed Klubbit hovering behind the man.

Cheater, I thought.

The man, our savior, spoke again:

“Now that I have saved America, we need to wake up and start solving the problems that have been plaguing the world by removing all of the trash that is poisoning our societies, I’m talkin’ bout the illegals, the homosexuals, the Muslims, the baby-killin’ whores, the — ”

Someone clicked off the television. We stood and stank in the silence that followed.

I turned to Hal and whispered, “one of those Fundik guys came to my house this morning.”

“Well aren’t you fuckin’ cool,” he said.

***

This story was originally published in The Moss on Medium